Tuesday, July 9, 2013

When God Has Another Plan

Sunday was a very emotional day for me. Seven years ago, on July 7th, my life completely changed. One question, 4 words, completely turned my life upside down. July 7, 2006 was the day that Will asked me to be his wife. I know that I've said before that I was done talking about my broken engagement on this blog, but to this day, it is still a huge part of my life. That experience has shaped who I am today, probably more than any other single experience in my life.

Normally, the date probably wouldn't have crossed my mind. However, on Sunday, I had to drive to Jacksonville to see Megan and baby Justin. When we dated and were engaged, Will lived in a little town outside of Jacksonville, and we spent most of our time there. In the car, we were talking about Justin's birthday being 7/7, and it hit me. Driving that all too familiar road, the same one that I traveled alone so many times during my semi-long distance relationship, on the date that I was proposed to, was just too much.

Seven years ago, I had a plan for my life. I wanted nothing more than to get married, have children and build a life with my family. On the night Will proposed, I saw all of that plan coming together. Then, 6 months later, that plan fell all to pieces. Being so close to having your plan come to fruition, and then to have it all crumble before your eyes is a heartbreaking experience.

I realize that just because it happened once and didn't work out, doesn't mean that it won't happen again, but I find that I'm not a hopeful as I used to be. I've spent the last six and a half years so guarded, trying to protect my heart from knowing that pain again. I've spent the better part of five years holding on to hope for a relationship that obviously wasn't meant to be. I've spent the last 3 years loving and doting on children that aren't biologically mine.

Aside from being single, the children thing is huge for me. I long to be a mother. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being an aunt, and I adore Parker and Maggie as if they were my own, but at the end of the day, they aren't. I want to give them cousins. I haven't really talked about this a lot, with anyone, but in August of last year, I was diagnosed with PCOS. I realize that the diagnosis doesn't mean that I will never have children, but it will be a challenge. There is some comfort in knowing it now, before I tried for years to conceive, but it is still hard to deal with knowing that I will more than likely need some kind of assistance getting pregnant.

None of this was my plan... but I have to believe that all of this is part of God's plan for my life. The sermon in church on Sunday was on "The Making of Diamonds." The preacher said that the difference between coal and diamonds is a lot of heat and pressure, and that while He can use a lot of "coal," there are some people that have to go through the heat and the pressure in order to become "diamonds." I've definitely been feeling the heat and the pressure over the past few years. I don't understand what all of this is for, but I have to hope  that there is a bigger plan out there for me.

Alone and broken hearted, questions fill your mind
Changes can be hard that come by God's design
But if you could see tomorrow with a view from Heaven's throne
Every unexpected struggle has led you closer home.
When God has another plan, walk on and just say yes

When God has another plan, be assured that He knows best
When all your dreams are shattered, rest in His sufficient grace
We don't have to understand, when God has another plan.
Chasity Fisher sings "When God Has Another Plan" during a morning service at Kings Cross Roads.



  2. You are fearless, lady. Thank you for posting this. Although my story is different, it's definitely not been according to my plan. His plan. His timing.


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