Thursday, February 14, 2013

Stuck in Singledom?

Disclaimer: This is not going to be your typical flowers, hearts and puppy dogs Valentine's Day post. Why? Because it's just not. This post has taken me a long time to write, and it's been hard y'all... real hard. Harder than writing it? Living it. If you're looking for a post full love lovey dovey kittens and sparkles today, you might want to come back and read this post tomorrow!
I started writing this post around the end of January. January 25th is an anniversary of sorts for me.  On that day in 2007, I called of my wedding and re-entered the world of Singledom. I don't think that I've ever written the whole story of why that relationship ended on this blog, and I won't go into all of the specifics now.  What it all boiled down to was that I settled. Sure, he did some very mean things to me, and in the end it wasn't pretty, but I should have seen the red flags a lot earlier than I did. I was young, and more in love with the idea of being in love, than I was in love with the person who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

Six years later, I am still single. I learned so much about myself after that last break up, and through countless therapy sessions. The one thing that I promised myself that I would never do again is settle. I was not going to become one of those women that jump from relationship to relationship just to be able to say that they have a boyfriend. (Admit it, you've all seen the type on Facebook.)  As much as I want a boyfriend, I'm not going to be with just anyone just so that the want is fulfilled.  So, I guess you could say that I've stayed single by choice.  Maybe...

As much as I don't want to settle, the other part of me wants a boyfriend so badly... and not just wants a boyfriend, but wants to be in a good, loving relationship.  I read a book sometime last year and my favorite quotes from it is "Because at a certain point, it stops being strange to be the last single woman on the block. It just begins to hurt."  It is so true... and that's what I feel like... the last single woman on the block.  Every female in my family is now married...with kids, and when you're the oldest of all of the cousins and you don't have that, it hurts.  With each new engagement, every new wedding and then each new pregnancy announcement a little part of me died. Was I happy for them?  Absolutely. But, I think that part of my human nature always thought, 'when is my turn coming?'

So why am I still single?  That's a question that seems to be popular with guys on online dating sites when they message me.  I always give them the 'settling' answer because, in part, that is the truth.  I've been on a few dates with guys, and I've realized right away that things weren't going to work out, so I didn't continue to waste my time.  So what's the other part?  Here goes...

A few months after I ended things with Will, I met another guy. Granted, I was not looking to start a new relationship right away, and neither was he.  In all honesty, our relationship was meant to just be a hookup. However, the moment that I met this guy, I knew that he was different.  Something about him was different than all of the other guys that I had met and been involved with in my life. I didn't know what it was, or what it meant, but I knew that he was going to be a part of my life for a while.  Instead of just being a random, one time hookup, we actually became really good friends.  Both of us were going through difficult times in our lives, and we sort of became each other's confidants. We would talk for hours and hours. We'd make each other laugh. And over the course of time, I fell for him... hard. However, I never told him.

He eventually moved away, but we stayed in contact a lot.  We kind of have a cycle of where we would stay in touch for a few weeks and talk a lot, and then we would go months without talking, but pick back up like we never lost touch. All the while, I was still harboring feelings for him.  There was just something about him that I couldn't shake.  Every time that we'd see each other or talk, I felt like I needed to tell him how I felt, but I never could.

Fast forward to last year.  He came for a visit, and again, I couldn't bring myself to say all of the things that I needed to tell him.  At this point, I'd had feelings for him for about 5 years. (Crazy, right?) I felt like I needed to say something but I couldn't bring myself to do it in person.  So, one night, I sat staring at a blank Word Document, determined that I was going to type out all of my feelings for him. So I did.  Hours later, and a couple of pages, I felt like I'd encompassed 5 years of feelings into one single document.  And then I sent it to him.. on Facebook... so that I'd know when he saw it.. and then I waited... and waited... the ball was in his court now, and I wasn't going to say anything to him about it. If he wanted to discuss it, it was going to be on his terms.

Well, I'm still waiting. A week after I sent the 'letter' he told me that he wasn't ignoring me, but he was writing a response and needed more time.  I got that.  It took me a while to get out everything that I needed to say. But, 5 months and some change later... still nothing.  My heart is broken. I've held onto hope for so long, and now that I finally see things between us not happening, ever... I'm crushed.

I know it may seem silly or whatever, but seriously, there are no words to describe my feelings for him.  I've never felt this way about anyone.  Not even the person I thought I was going to marry.  That's hard stuff right there... I don't know what to do with it or how to even deal with this.  I don't know how to move on.

So for now, I feel stuck.... stuck in this crazy, scary place of singledom.  I know I'm still fairly young, and that there is 'plenty of time...' believe me, I hear those things all the time... but it doesn't make it suck any less. Especially on days like today.



  1. Hey, I'm stopping by from the linkup but started reading through other posts too and found this one. I'm also in my late 20s and have been single for about 6 years. Everyone in my life is married or in a long-term relationship. I can SO relate to everything you've said here, especially about settling. I don't want to settle, I want to find a relationship that's what I want, need, and deserve but it's definitely hard to feel like there's no progress happening in that area of my life, you know? Especially on Valentine's Day and especially when I see everyone around me happy and in love. I really admire your positive attitude and thank you for reminding me that it's worth the wait!

  2. Hi Kate, Thanks for stopping by and for your comment. I know exactly what you mean about no progress happening... I'm definitely there! It's nice to hear that you think I have a positive attitude about this, because it's one of the areas in my life that I fight off the most negativity. Here's to both of us finding real, meaningful love one day!


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