Wednesday, February 11, 2009

"How Do You Leave the Past Behind..."

"...When it keeps finding ways to get to your heart. It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out 'til you're torn apart"

A lyric from one of my favorite Musicals... "RENT" to describe how these past few weeks have been. Sometimes no matter how much we try to leave the past behind, it keeps coming up and screwing with our heads, our hearts and our emotions.

I mentioned in my January Rewind that Will contacted me right at the end of January, on ironically, the 2 year anniversary of the date that I called off the engagement. He texted me and wanted to be "friends." Of course, he didn't understand why I would have a problem with this.


He didn't have a whole lot to say at first. I finally allowed him to call last week after he kept saying that he needed to explain something, but that it was too much to text. I guess I thought that maybe he had grown up a little... that now that he has a daughter that maybe he realized how badly he had treated women, and maybe he felt bad about that. I don't know...

But, when he called, he didn't really have anything to explain. He just acted as if after 2 years we could pick up where we left of, and be friends. He expected us to have a normal, friendly conversation, as if nothing had happened between us. Throughout the entire 23 minute phone conversation, I didn't say a whole lot at all. He told me that I was being quiet... duh! What did he expect? Me to be completely fine with the fact that the person who has caused me the most pain I've ever felt in my life was on the phone talking about how great his life was? Right...

And that's what he did... he talked about how happy he was since he got married and had a child. He proceeded to tell me how his wife gave natural childbirth... with no drugs and how they now live in South Carolina, on a lake. Then he asked the question that pissed me off the most... "So... when are you getting married?" WHAT??

That night, I cried, not because I missed him, not because I was sad, not even because I was thinking about how things should have been... but because I was ANGRY. I was angry because I allowed myself to be subjected to that again... I was angry that he doesn't have a freaking clue... Angry that I ever let him use me and disrespect me in the way that he did.

When we hung up, he wanted to call me later... However, the next day, I sent him a text that said "Don't ever call me again... don't ever text me again... Just forget that I ever existed." And so far, he has listened. That same day, I made another big decision. It is time to stop getting walked over by guys. Its time to own up to the fact that I let guys run over me. Every time I say "yes" and then feel bad about it later, is another time that I'm enabling guys to take advantage of me and to disrespect me.

You have no idea how hard it was to have conversations with people where I was basically cutting them out of my life. But, I knew that it was what I needed to do. Following through, and saying "no" all of the time is going to be even harder, but I have to show myself that I can do this. So far, I've been successful, and by "so far," I mean the past week.

Its going to be a long journey to Self Respect and being "Ok" with being single right now. I'm really hoping that something great will come out of all of this.


3 comments:

  1. I wish I could be as strong as you. You are brave. You will be okay. You give me hope that I will be okay one day too. Thank you Crystal.

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  2. Stay strong. Don't feel bad for telling someone "no" if that's not what they want to hear. Do what you need to do because most importantly, you're the most important.

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  3. Im proud of you! I hope he listens. I cant believe he is so clueless... oh wait... yes I can!

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